~sleepxonxneedles

bye bye suckers.

i wish i could forget the past...
it's so hard to do that though.
when something so hard and difficult is done and over with
your natural instinct is to dwell on that.
oh well.
i kissed boys when i was drunk or high because it made me feel special.
i made love to girls when i was lonely because they are the only ones who i thought understood.
that was my life.
but not anymore.
and this time, i mean it.
i can't be a slut or drug addict or anything like that anymore.
i can't walk around trusting everyone and partying every night.
i've learned my lesson.
i feel horrible for everything i have done or said.
i'm ashamed, really.
i was so sheltered and stupid.
i wasn't ready for everything i was throwing myself into.
and now that half of my old friends hate me or think that i'm dead
it makes a person really think about who he really is.
i've cut my hair and washed my face.
i've started running and quit smoking and drinking and having sex.
i'm a healthier happier person now but nobody understands that.
it really makes me so sad and i don't know what ot do.
chad and annie are moving back to ny after so many years.
i love them but i know that i'll get back into the same old shit if i move back in with them.
drinking, smoking, drugs, etc.
i think the only person i can talk to is sarah.
i love her and i think i want to marry her.
i know that is strange to hear but it's true.
or maybe i'm just still a stupid little boy who exaggerates and worries and thinks people like him when they really, really, don't.

today you asked me why the way i am.
maybe it's because i feel guilty, as though i am the only reason mom stuck with you.
maybe it's because when i was little all i remember is you when you were drunk.
maybe it's because the day when mom and i wanted to get me a swing set you found out that she was cheating on you with the man down the street and i liked him more than i liked you because he didn't put tomatoes in my macaroni and cheese because he knew i didn't like them.
maybe it's because when i needed you you were ashamed to be there.
maybe it's because even though you say you trust me, i come home and find you looking through my things or scurrying to delete the history on my computer.
maybe it's because after all of these years, and after all of our sacrifices, i still hear mom crying at night.

i admit that i've given you reasons to doubt me.
but understand this much:
no matter how much you or i have both changed,
i will always be the little boy who locked himself in the closet and hid in his mother's fur coats.
i will always be the kid who came home with a black eye and never thought it wasn't a big deal.
i will always be the one who remembers words from so long ago and holds onto them as if they were of ANY importance. they weren't, and now i realize that.
i will always be your son.

i am the lover, i am the hater, i am the brother, i am the son, i am the dreamer, i am the rational mind, i am the drunk, i am the designated driver, i am the other guy, i am the only one, i am the enabler, i am the reason to stop, i am the sensible type, i am completely insane, i am the trophy, i am your shame, i am intelligent, i am a college drop out, i am yours, i am no one's to claim, i am your everything, i have never meant anything to you, i am the fag, i make love to girls, i am a liberal, i still like the smell of money, i am everything and anything and none of it makes sense to me anymore.

my sparrow looks out her window
eyes crusted from makeup and tears and sleep
dreams of:
the days when she could fly with her brothers
grew vines and tangles of words from her lips
sang the strangest song

and now she perches, gracefully, restlessly, hopeless
before retreating into my chest.