then there i am, waving to you from that crusty toyota rolling away in front of your gaudy apartment complex.  the window shade is dancing, laughing, shaking it's fist at me, and i am left
once again
to figure things out for myself.

but for you and me, returning to normal is just as painful as saying "I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH NEVER NEVER LEAVE ME PLEASE DON'T."; the words aren't forming?  my son, my son, you cannot leave me.  you cannot leave me like this, look at me, look at my face, look at this shell of a woman.

then here i am again, i am here again, and there you are, in that rockin' chair, rockin' and strummin' your long fingernails on that worn wood, puffing menthols, puffing menthols, puffin' carbon dioxide, puffin' oh god i missed you, say you love me, say i matter, say i exist.  it's like you've never left, it's like you haven't left since i said "okay goodbye" and walked out of your miserable existence for 12 months and six days, exactly, like you kept on rockin' and strummin' and watching the gameshow network.

tattered backpacks and shitty makeshift photo albums and stolen hotel towels.  did ya miss me?  did ya miss my midnight trips to the grocers, sticking medicines in my pockets, hopin' not to get caught this time?  did ya miss the nights i'd play drunken card games with my own fucking mother, fucking bawling, fucking blackjack, hit me, ma, tonight i'm gonna win for sure.  did ya miss the way i let you play with my hair while watchin' your favorite soap opera?  you twirled it between your fingers, your stale yellow fingernails scratchin' at my scalp, scratchin' at any shred of dignity i might have had when ya told me you wished i was born a girl instead of a confused little boy,
and we laughed at me.  
i laughed at me.  
how about the way i'd forgive ya each and every night and how i'd tuck ya in when you were CRYING AND SHAKING AND CRYING because daddy never loved you the way he loved those other ladies, ma', no, he never loved you like those others.

but you never loved me like you loved that dark decrepid piece of YOU; YOUR BROWN HAIR, YOUR BROWN HAIR, that empty stare and your long brown hair.  you hold your head high but only to look up to others.  you aren't a woman as much as you are a child and you aren't a child as much as you are a ghost a ghost a ghost and oh god why can't you just tell me that you missed me?  i'm only fifteen, ma, i'm only fifteen.